Star wars

It's well known that there are many errors and strange things going on
in Star Wars, but I've never seen anyone comment on one rather large
plot hole.

You'll all remember that Han, Luke et al board the Millenium Falcon at
Mos Eisley under a barrage of laser fire from the imperial storm
troopers. You'll also remember then that but a few scenes later the
Millenium Falcon is pulled in to the Death Star, whereupon it is
searched. Cue Storm Troopers finding nobody aboard and accepting that
as a possibility.

Quite apart from the fact they're suggesting a space ship can pilot
itself through hyperspace sans crew, surely their comrades back on Mos
Eisley would have phoned ahead and told them to expect a ship with
three people, 2 droids and a walking carpet on board? No? Maybe the
storm troopers were in the Cantina bar getting drunk.....

Water, water everywhere

I've been thinking. Not particularly hard (as will become evident momentarily) but thinking nonetheless.

People ae always harping on about people wasting water, but I submit to you that this is, in fact, impossible.

Think about it for a minute: any 'wasted' water goes down the drain. Where does this water go? It either goes back to the sea (via the sewers) or back in to the water table where it will eventually reach a river somewhere. Whatever, the water always ends up back in the sea eventually, where it evaporates and becomes rain, which then goes back in to lakes / rivers, whatever. It's a closed system. So, next time someone accuses you of wasting water, refer them to the water cycle. And then go brush your teeth with the water running.

How to get great customer service from call centres

The following is a guide to getting the most out of any calls you make to call centres.  By following these simple steps you can be sure your query will be dealt with quickly, efficiently and won’t be filed in the special round filing cabinet located under the desk.

•  When you phone through, don’t say hello, just give your name.  To gain extra brownie points with the call centre operator, don’t bother mentioning why you’re phoning, we can usually guess by the way the phone rings.
  
• Always be as curt as possible, and if asked for personal details in order to locate your account / file feel free to get huffy and abuse the operator.  After all, they should know all your personal details, even if they’ve never spoken to you before.
  
• On a related note, if you are asked security questions, and can’t answer them, get angry when you are refused any information.  Security questions are only there after all to annoy you, that whole thing about being there to stop any Tom, Dick or Harry accessing your personal, sensitive information is bullshit.
  
• When giving phone numbers, just rattle them off as fast as you like.  Call centre operators can listen to you and type at lightning speed, even in a noisy office on a bad phone line.  Don’t repeat the number if asked for clarification, this will show you up as a novice!
  
• Always shout at the person you are talking to, and give them as much abuse as possible.  Swearing, and abusing the call centre agent will help you forge a good relationship and ensure an efficient response to your enquiry.
  
• Call centre agents may not admit it at first, but they know everything about the company they work for.  Everything and everyone.  Therefore, feel free to phone through to any department you wish at random and ask to speak to an obscure member of staff from a different department.  If the operator is in any way unsure as the identity of this person and can’t rattle their number straight off, chastise them strongly. 
  
• Call centre operators are lonely people with plenty of spare time on their hands, so feel free to give them your life story every time you call.  The agent will be only too pleased to listen to you talking about your operation, or how well little Johnny is doing in school.  After all, they don’t have targets to hit, and other people won’t be waiting to get through so take all the time you like.  Call centre operators aren't trained to ask the questions they need in order to get any pertinent information.
  
• Spend twenty minutes complaining about the cost of your phone calls, as call centre operators love the irony so much the 20 minutes of moaning is almost enjoyable!
  
• If you’re told a resolution to your problem will take 2 days, call every two hours to complain nothing has been done.  That will speed things up a treat.  Feel free to complain about the cost of your phone calls at this point too!
  
• Demand to speak to a supervisor the moment you get through to anyone in a call centre.  The supervisor will be able to change the company’s processes and procedures just for you, so there’s no point talking to the first person who answers the phone.  Also, if you are told the person you want to speak to is in a meeting / sick / on leave, you're being lied to, so continue to insist on speaking to that person, the operator will have their personal mobile number and will happily give it out if you ask.
  
• Arguing with call centre agents is always worthwhile.  They don’t receive any training, and don’t deal with queries like yours on a regular basis, and therefore have no knowledge about the subject of which you are speaking.  Also, arguing the same point in a circular conversation yields great results each and every time.
  

Hopefully this guide will help you get A1 service every time you need to call a call centre in the future.  You're welcome.

Right clique

Before I start, I just want to point out I do see the irony of referring to geeks on the internet within a blog post, so please don't feel the need to point that out.  I already know.

So anyway, 4chan.  Some of you may already be aware of the existence of this site, it's been around for years and certainly has a cult following, especially the /b/ board.  The /b/ board on 4chan is the random topic board, where users post about anything they feel like.  Usually it's pictures of girls, often baring their breasts.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  Actually, thinking about it, more often it's porn, but what the hey?

These types of board have a dedicated group of users (I'm not picking on /b/ here, simply using it as an example), all of whom have their own rules, conventions and language.  You'll often see posts saying "Tit's or GTFO", or "MOAR!" in reply to posts containing pictures of young ladies, or phrases such as "Obvious troll is obvious".

This is all well and good, to a point.  There's nothing wrong with a group of people who speak to each other in a way nobody else understands.  Look at the Welsh.  However, the users of these boards to seem to be very cliquey and are extremely quick to jump all over someone who's not 100% down with the conventions of the board.  Feel sorry for the poor n00b who posts something without first understanding how the board works.  

Is this strictly necessary?  After all, these boards surely only thrive because new users come along to replace those who have moved on because they've grown bored / been banned / ended up in jail?  Shouldn't new users be encouraged to join discussions, and be able to rely on a little guidance from more experienced users?

No?  I'll shut up then and get back to attacking newfags on /b/...

I'm back

It's been a while I know since my last post (assuming you discount the posts I made when I was travelling of course) but I'm back.

It struck me today that my attention span seems to be shorter than it used to be.  In this age of Wi-Fi enabled laptops and iPhones it's all too easy to get distracted from whatever you were supposed to be doing to check Facebook or look at the latest must see video on YouTube.  

I can't remember the last time I actually sat and gave a TV show my full attention - as I write this I'm watching Spooks and doing this too.  

That said I do still have time to ponder the important things in life.  Scotch eggs for example.

Scotch eggs are a marvellous food.  Not only are they a fantastically tasty meaty eggy snack, they also provide some good questions to ponder in the pub.  For example, do they have a machine that takes the shells off the eggs or is it someones job to remove the shells?  This is the sort of question that quite frankly I don't have the answer to but wish I did.  

I would continue but I'm being distracted by Facebook....

Are a quarter of all women really that stupid?

There's an advert on telly at the moment for a digital pregnancy test. The advert claims that 1 in 4 women can't read a standard pregnancy test. 1 in 4. 25%.

We're expected to believe that a quarter of all women can't tell if a stick has turned blue? Where did they go to do the survey, a home for the blind?

Also, don't forget that before their digital stick came along Clearblue crapped on about how good their tests were. Are they now saying that's not true, and that their old tests weren't worth pissing on? Surely women don't need a (probably) more expensive digital test? Oh they do? Thanks Clearblue for clearing that up.

2 girls 1 cup - additional

BTW, I'm *hoping* the video is a fake, but it's difficult to tell, and I'm not watching it again to try and work it out.

2 girls 1 cup

We all know there's some fucked up shit on the Internet, that's what it's for after all.  That said, nothing can prepare you for the first time you see the "2 girls 1 cup" video.

Perhaps I should explain a little; there are a load of videos doing the rounds at the moment showing the reactions of people watching a video and, with the exception of the video of Kermit's reaction, every single one shows people who are utterly, utterly shocked and disgusted.  Of course, in the name of research I tracked down the name of the clip these people had been watching and watched it for myself.

Oh.  My.  God.  I was very nearly sick myself, and actually wish I could go back in time so I could gouge my eyes out with rusty spoons just so I wouldn't then be able to see this video.  I actually still feel ill some 30 minutes or so after having seen it.

I'm not going to link to it for obvious reasons, and if you decide to watch it yourself please be warned it's not nice, it's just very, very wrong.

I'm off to be sick, and then I'm going to give myself a frontal lobotomy in the hope I can erase the memory of this thing from my head.