Queues

I don't know what it is but I seem to have an uncanny knack for being able to choose exactly the wrong queue in the supermarket. It happened today, I chose the shortest queue and got stuck behind some stupid bint who wanted to check the prices on half her shopping, kept changing her mind about what she wanted and spent five minutes trying to work out whether all her packets of Twix' had the same number of bars in them. Seriously, what's all that about?

The thing is, it's not like this happens once every now and then, it's every time I'm in a shop - I either end up behind the bastard who decides to pay in pennies, or I get the till operator who's obviously been doing the job since about five minutes before I got there, or they need a price check on a grape.

The thing is the 'scan it yourself' lane is just as bad - I start scanning my items with a smug 'this is easy this, any mug could do it' look on my face and without fail I scan something, the screen displays a message saying I'm a fuckwit and a big red light on a pole starts flashing to make absolutely sure everyone within twenty feet of me can see I can't cope with scanning a few groceries. I then have to wait for a member of staff to come and bail me out, during which time I could have gone through a normal till.

I did consider doing my grocery shoping online, but that's a different story. Supermarkets? Arsemarkets more like. Meh!

Toe nails and God

I'm sure it's obvious from a quick scan through my previous posts that I often think about things that really aren't desrving of that much time, and, inevitably, I've been at it again. I've been considering why it is that finger nails grow so much more quickly than toe nails. I seem to be forever cutting my finger nails in order to ensure I don't end up with talons that would make an eagle owl jealous, but toe nails just seem to say 'Meh, we'll grow later, we're busy doing secret toe nail things'.

The thing is (and this is where you'll think I've totally lost the plot but bear with me), whilst pondering the differences in finger and toe nails, I realised that this discrepancy in growth rates can be used to finally prove the non-existence of God.

Seriously, think about it logically for a second. Scientists would argue the discrepancy is due to evolution, probably something to do with needing long claws on your hands to attack prey whilst needing shorter claws on your feet so you can run away when you (a small baboon for example) attack a larger predator (say, a hippopotamus). Your local vicar on the other hand will argue evolution doesn't exist and that we were all created by God. Now, I'm fairly certain that when creating man God wouldn't have thought 'I know, for shits and giggles I'm going to make finger nails grow four times as fast as toe nails', it's just not the sort of thing that would cross your mind is it?

Therefore, my hypothesis is that evolution must be the cause, and as evolution doesn't leave room for the whole creationist argument, God can't exist, Q.E.D.

Of course, this is just a theory, it may be God was in a jesting mood the day he decided on growth rates for nails, hair and teeth.

Paranoia

Where I work the gents are just along from reception, and recently I've started to experience a weird paranoia. I've started to wonder whether the receptionists notice how long people are in the loo, and whether they sit there wondering just why someone was in there for 12 minutes....

Do they notice when people come out looking slightly pale after a particularly troublesome forest, for instance? Receptionists know everyone and everything, and I wouldn't be suprised if our receptionists know the ins and, more specifically, the outs, of peoples erm, business.

I really do need to stop worrying about things like this, maybe it's finally time to go support the freeing of those whales that are trapped under the ice. Oh hang on, that was 1988.

Getting older

I'm feeling old today. Normally I feel old because lots of my friends are loads younger than me, but today it's because it's half eight in the evening and my hangover still hasn't cleared.

I seem to remember when I was younger hangovers could be cleared with a couple of tablets but these days even a combination of fruit smoothies, tablets, bacon sandwiches and lying very still doesn't seem to work...

The worst thing is that, being old, my brain stops functioning too (except the bit that generates paranoia) so even simple tasks like making dinner suddenly become complex feats way beyond my grasp. As for writing a blog post, that's all but impossible. Which is why this post sucks. I'm off to drink strawberry milkshake and lie very still.

Wishing Tree

I'll never tire of knocking Michael Jackson... :o)

TV really has taken a dive

Taken from today's TV listing:

19:30 - Grow your own Veg

Carol Klein explores root vegetables before embarking on a parsnip safari.

Now, unless 'explores toot vegetables' is a euphemism for something which shouldn't be on TV before the watershed, I can't even begin to comprehend why this show was ever commissioned. Is anyone that dull that they would watch this? Also, what the hell is a parsnip safari? I'm assuming this is where you see parsnips in their natural environment (so looking at parsnips in a field then) as opposed to in a zoo (the supermarket).

Surely anyone can find something better to do with half an hour of their lives?

Conspiracy?

According to the news, most of Manhattan currently smells of natural gas. The authorities reckon there's no gas leak, which means it must be something else.

Being America, there's only one thing it can be. The US government has released a special mind-control drug across the borough, and is going to turn the inhabitants of Manhattan in to killer automotons, who are going to be used to invade middle-eastern countries as part of the 'War to get control of oil' (a.k.a. the war on terror). You wait and see....

2007 - Chinese year of the cack

Well, a new year has begun, and with it comes a fresh lack of inspiration / writers block / apathy. I'm sure it'll pass though, it normally does... The whole thing may be due to MySpace slowly taking over my life - a friend of mine tempted me over to the dark side and, I hate to admit it, I'm now hooked. I can't quite place my finger on what it is but it's got something.... Rest assured though my blog will be remaining here for two very good reasons:

1. I can blog from the train / couch / brothel via my phone with Blogger
2. The blogging feature on MySpace is cack

Which reminds me, I've decided that the word 'cack' isn't used as much as it should be any more. If you're struggling for an easy new years resolution, why not endeavour to use 'cack' at least once a day?