Weird noises

I was just about to start this post off with something incredibly witty but I’ve been thrown by the somewhat disturbing screeching coming from outside my window. I’m assuming a fox was killing something, perhaps the wild cat I mentioned in an earlier post. It’s stopped now, but I’ve totally lost my train of thought, and it’s time for Invasion.

Rant update

I found out today that the release date for the P990i is May 2006. That’s five months away. I can only think of the following reasons for such a long delay:

• There’s an inherent problem with the handset that needs fixing
• Sony Ericsson are waiting for more network providers to roll out 3G services
• Sony Ericsson are bastards and are making people wait for shits and giggles
  

I think it’s the last one. After all, if I made those sort of decisions I’d do it.

A quick rant

It’s time for a rant. This one’s directed at Sony Ericsson, in particular their mobile phone division. It’s not that they don’t make great phones, because they do, it’s more the fact that they make great phones that I can’t buy because the one I want still doesn’t have a release date.

The model in question is the P990i, a truly brilliant little smart phone with every feature you could possibly ask for, and a few extra ones too. I’m not going to turn this in to an advert but suffice to say, it’s a neat little gadget and I want one. I was going to buy the previous model, but it got discontinued the day before I went to buy it. I didn’t think this was too much of a problem, as I expected SE to release the next model quickly. That was nearly two months ago and I’m still waiting to find out when the new phone’s going to be released, let alone how much it’s likely to cost.

Maybe I’m missing something here but I really can’t see what thought processes were behind the decision to discontinue the phone before the new model was ready. The only thing that’s stopping me from going and buying a phone from a different manufacturer is that as far as I can tell the P990i is the only phone that does everything I want the way I want, and I do like SE phones a lot. Oh, and because Motorola’s phones feature a strange quirk in the software that means they switch to their loud profiles when you charge them. Oh, and I have a thing about not owning a Nokia, not that they make bad phones (I’ve had two) but because they seem to be a bit, ahem, “Chavvy”.

Oh my God, I’ve turned in to a phone snob.

Big cat diary

One of the local papers this week has a story about a guy who was out walking his dog and saw a wild cat of some type. The article says that the man in question estimates that the cat was about a foot high and a foot and a half long, and that he thought it might have been a Lynx. All well and good.

The article then goes on to quote a bloke who’s part of the big cat society, who says (and I quote) “This sighting could be that of a Lynx or bobcat….however, Lynxes are about four feet long and this man says the animal he saw was less than half this length”.

So, that’s that then, it can’t possibly have been a Lynx. An expert says so. Now, I’m no expert in big cats (insert your own joke here if you wish) but I’m willing to bet that Lynxes aren’t born fully grown (if they are then fair play to female Lynxes, that must smart somewhat). Maybe I’m missing something, but surely the bloke walking his dog just might have seen a young Lynx as opposed to a fully grown one.

I’m therefore going to put forward the notion that the bloke is a moron and shouldn’t be considered an expert in anything, partly because he’s obviously stupid and partly because I like the idea of ‘The beast of Bexley’ roaming around, possibly hunting stray animals and ramblers.

Headline news

I perhaps shouldn’t make light of bird flu, especially if the press is to be believed and we’re heading for a pandemic, but I couldn’t help but smile the other day when Sky News showed the headline “Bird Flu in Turkey”. I always preferred chicken anyway…

I’m fairly sure there must be people who work for various news agencies who purposefully try to slip amusing headlines in to serious news programmes (getting a pun in to a tabloid rag doesn’t count). I applaud the scamp, again from Sky News, who put a caption on the screen in front of George W. Bush during the hurricane in New Orleans – “Bush: Worst ever disaster to hit United States” – sheer genius. You can’t tell me that was an accident.

I’m sure there are plenty of situations out there that lend themselves to this type of japery. I can imagine a story in a local paper about a new weight watchers club with the headline “New faces all round at Weight Watchers”. If you’ve got any more feel free to add them as comments.

Spam, spam, spam and spam.....

I’ve had an idea. I’m going to create a service that allows people to sign up for spam. Most people hate spam; I’m indifferent as I don’t actually get any in the Email accounts I use, only in my hotmail account which never gets looked at anyway, but I’m willing to bet there are people out there who actually like getting spam Emails.

I’m guessing these are fairly lonely people who don’t get many normal Email messages, and find the feeling of receiving an Email, even an unsolicited one offering Viagra or perhaps the chance to win a holiday, nice. It probably makes them feel wanted.

Therefore, I’ll allow these individuals to log on to my site, register their email address and I’ll then sell the addresses to all the spammers I can find, who can then send junk to my visitors to their hearts content.

I will of course need to ensure that people can’t just sign their friends or enemies up on their behalf, so I’ll obviously send an email out to any registered addresses with a confirmation link (although I’ll assume that delivery is as good as confirmation in order to speed things up slightly).

Just in case anyone’s beaten me to this, and is thinking of signing me up in an ironic sort of way, my email address is: bill.gates@microsoft.com

Oh, and in case that seems vindictive, I’ve just spent the last two and a half hours rebuilding my laptop after Windows decided it didn’t want to recognise my hard disk any more (funnily enough the first time I powered up after running a defrag). Coincidence? Maybe, but I’m blaming Bill

A new year, a new post

It’s been a long time since my last post, and since then Christmas and the New Year have been and gone. I’ve learnt a few things over the festive period:

• TV schedules actually can get worse than normal
• Vodka not giving you a hangover is a myth
• Drinking 7 pints before the office Christmas boat party isn’t the best of ideas
• Family guy is hilarious
• Nicotine patches hurt when you take them off
  

Talking of nicotine patches, I noticed something in the little leaflet that comes in the box:

“The nicotine [in the patch] is sufficient to relieve the unpleasant withdrawal symptoms such as restlessness, irritability, headaches, inability to concentrate, light headedness or dizziness”.

All well and good, you may think. That is if course, until you reach the part about the side effects of using the patches, which may include:

“Headache, dizziness, impaired concentration, anxiety, irritability”

So if I’ve got this right, the majority of the side effects are the same as the withdrawal symptoms you get from quitting smoking. Hmmm, and I paid about £30 for two weeks worth of these things...

It’s nearly as stupid as the system for getting cash out of the ATM using an American Express card. Apparently, if you decide to use your AMEX card to draw cash, the amount isn’t added to the balance of your AMEX account, oh no. Instead, the amount comes straight out of your current account. Oh, and you get charged for it. Seems to me like it’s just as easy, and somewhat cheaper, to use the card your bank provide you for making ATM withdrawals.

So long, farewell..... but only until next year

Well that time is upon me, where I get to leave the office and not come back for more than 2 days. I'm therefore unlikely to be near a 'net connection, unless I decide to take advantage of wi-fi connectivity in my local pub.

That being the case I won't be posting anything here until 2006, although the chances are that I'll still be writing and I'll post anything I do write upon my return.

See you in 2006!

Scams

I’m listening to a story about a woman who fell for a scam in which she was told she’d won the Spanish lottery, and then had to shell out a load of cash in order to claim her winnings. I kind of feel sorry for the woman – I think she’s stupid, but I can kind of understand how she got suckered.

However, there are people out there who fall for the so-called ‘419 scams’, where people receive letters from people asking for British folk to help transfer money out of Africa due to various reasons which all equate to one thing – money laundering. The people who fall for these scams are not only stupid, but they’ve got absolutely no reason to feel aggrieved – after all, they’re greedy idiots who have agreed to perform an illegal activity in order to make some cash.

Many hundreds of people fall for these scams every year, ergo there must be many hundreds of greedy, stupid people out there who can be taken advantage of. Which gives me an idea...

I’m not going to scam people, or try and con them, I’m simply going to ask them to send me their money. The way I see it, asking people to send me the money they would have lost to criminal gangs helps both parties. I get rich, and they don’t have to suffer the ignominy of losing their money to a con artist. Oh, and also the money won’t get used to fund drug trafficking or prostitution, it’ll be used to buy gadgets, cigarettes, beer and a Pagani Zonda F. You may think this will never work, but there’s no accounting for people’s stupidity.

Things to do before I'm 30

I’m 28 in three days. This means I have 2 years and two days to do all the things I want to do before I’m thirty. Admittedly I haven’t actually sat down and put a list together of the things I want to do, so maybe that’s the first step.

Hmm, actually, it’s not as easy as you think, I mean, really, what am I going to do of any note in the next two years? So far the only thing I have on my list of things I want to do in the next two years and two days is ‘twins’, and I have a feeling that that’s something that will be down to chance, luck and a lot of alcohol.

I could add things like hang gliding, badger baiting and skydiving, but unless I actually get off my arse and make an effort to do these things they’re really not going to happen, and, if I’m honest, I’m not going to. So, here’s my realistic list:

Give up smoking
Learn to drive
Visit Australia
Take up smoking again

I know it’s only a short list, but once you take in to account the time I spend at work, asleep, in the pub and waiting for trains, that only leaves me a short amount of time to do the things on my list. Oh, and if the twins thing happens, that’ll give me even less time.

Look - a Moose!

I’m struggling to think of anything to write today. It’s been so long since my last post you’d think I’d have pages worth of material stored in my somewhat strange brain. Let’s face it, there’s so much happening at the moment – the government is telling us that we need to teach kids to read by telling them how letters sound (no, really) whilst at the same time telling us that it’s ok to carry up to seven grams of cocaine because you can class that as a personal stash (no, really). Also, a survey has just been completed that says one in ten men have paid for sex sometime in their lives (try ten in ten, find me one man who’s managed to get a woman in to bed without buying them a drink, dinner or paying for a cab and I’ll be impressed). Oh, and apparently truffles taste like romping in a field, according to the host of the cookery program that’s on in the background at the moment.

One very random thing I learnt today is that (apparently) it is illegal in Alaska to look at a moose from an aeroplane or other flying vehicle. I’ve always been a fan of these sorts of crazy laws, and I’m always tempted to test them. For example, if you did look at a moose from a plane in Alaska, would the local constabulary be waiting for you with some nice steel bracelets on the runway? Would the case get to court? Would the judge convict? Obviously if I was the judge I’d send the or bastard up on the charge straight to jail for a few months and then laugh about it afterwards down the pub, but I’m obviously not completely sane.

I believe there’s an equally strange law in the UK that says you’re allowed to shoot Scotsmen on Clapham Common as long as you use a long-bow. Now this one is really quite interesting. On the one hand, you’ve committed murder, which is very illegal, but on the other hand, by law, you were perfectly entitled to do so. I’m willing to bet my laptop that if you tried to get away with that one you’d get sent straight down, unless the judge was a Scot-hating duffer with a few loose screws, or me.

In case you’re wondering at this point why I found out that it’s illegal to look at a moose from a plane in Alaska, I was actually trying to find the shortest distance between Russia and America. I couldn’t remember the distance in miles (it’s something crazy like eight) but ended up getting sidetracked, which is quite common for me.

I also discovered recently that Microsoft have found a new way to cause system administrators headaches. They’ve launched a web-based version of Messenger, which is useful in as much as the IT department at work haven’t yet worked out I can use it (mind you, they also haven’t cottoned on the fact that there’s generally a USB hard disk sitting on my desk), but it’s sure to open up all sorts of security holes before long. If you happen to read about a large British bank being compromised by online instant messaging software, the chances are I’ll be involved in some way (and posting about it from a computer in the dole office).

Snakebite

I’ve just seen a story about a guy who was out in the desert in America shooting various innocent animals. He shot a rattlesnake, and then decided to cut the snakes head off. Once he’d done this he then went to pick up the snakes head and noticed it was still trying to bite him. Pretty cool huh?

It gets better though. The bloke managed to get himself bitten by the snakes head, and ended up losing a finger because of it. I say fair play to the snake. There he was, minding his own business out in the sunshine; some bloke shoots him and then chops his head off, so the snake gets its revenge by biting the bastard.

The ironic bit? The bloke lost his trigger finger.

Inspiration, or lack thereof

I’m struggling to find some inspiration at the moment. Writing a blog may look like a very simple thing to do, but finding a topic that other people are likely to want to read about can be more tricky than the Times “Fiendish” Su Doku (I WILL finish yesterdays one at some point).

After all, the different types of sediment found in Britain’s canals may be something you feel very passionately about, but the chances of anyone else caring in the slightest are slim. The chances that the two other people on the planet who do care actually find and read your blog are slightly less than the odds of Eminem becoming the next U.S. President.

Actually, Eminem may be a better option than George W. Bush, who, let’s face it, is a moron. I’m not sure how someone who is such good evidence that humans are related to baboons actually became president of the world’s largest superpower, but if memory serves it had something to do with chads and vote rigging. Allegedly (I can’t afford lawyers as expensive as George can).

So anyway, where was I before I disappeared along that rather obscure train of thought? Ah, yes, inspiration. I still haven’t had any, so I’m going to give up and watch Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure. Strange things are afoot at the circle K.

Christmas shopping

I make it about six and a half weeks until Christmas, which is scary because I’ve only just realised that and I haven’t even thought about Christmas shopping. I love Christmas, what with the family gatherings, parties and that sort of thing, but I hate Christmas shopping. Actually, hate isn’t strong enough a word, maybe loathe would be better.

I find shopping a stressful experience at the best of times, and the extra crowds in the run up to Christmas fill me with a sense of dread. Over the years I’ve managed to make the experience slightly less stressful by limiting my shopping to one shop for all the presents – Boots 3 for 2 has been a lifesaver for me – but I still seem to spend hours walking around the same few aisles trying to find suitable gifts.

This year things are going to be different. This year, I’m doing all my Christmas shopping online. This seems to me to be a cunning way of avoiding all the things I hate, nay, loathe, about the Christmas shopping experience, whilst still allowing me to purchase suitable gifts for my friends and family.

I hope everyone wants stuff from eBay...

The worst advert in the world...ever!

I’ve just been subjected to possibly the worst advertisement I’ve ever seen – two animated sheep (I think they were sheep anyway) singing a bastardised version of “Push it” by Salt ‘n’ Peppa. This already sounds pretty bad, but when you consider that they were singing about not putting salt or fat in food you can maybe start to appreciate just how terrible this advert was.

What gets me is that some advertising company thinks that people are going to see this sort of bilge and think it’s funny, cool, ironic maybe? The only thing people are going to think when they see adverts like these is “that was shit”, or possibly “I now refuse to shop at the Co-op as a matter of principle”. I for one thought both.

What's on TV?

People talk of Britain becoming a nanny state, and although this may be true to some extent, I never realised how bad it was until I saw that Channel 5 had given ‘Flubber’ a G for guidance rating. I mean, this is a film aimed at primary school kids – surely it can’t be that bad, can it?

Something I’ve noticed recently is the huge number of “Top 100 greatest ever…” type TV shows that seem to be appearing at the moment. I’ve noticed at least three different ones over the last two days, and I don’t even have satellite. Be it the greatest ever adverts, documentaries, music videos, whatever, they all follow the exact same format – a few D-List celebs get wheeled in to talk about the clips, whilst Graham Norton or Jimmy Carr make the odd quip before and after the ad breaks. Surely we’ve had enough of these now, haven’t we, or do we have to wait until we see the Top 100 greatest ever Top 100 greatest ever shows?

So, back to ‘Flubber’ – so far I’ve not noticed anything particularly worthy of a guidance rating. I’m only watching it to see whether the rating is justified of course.

Jamie Oliver, the fat-tongued mockney, is currently cropping up in virtually every advert break, peddling Sainsbury’s products for Christmas. Somebody please shoot me, and quickly.

I’ve decided – ‘Flubber’ gets a C rating, for crap.

Gunpowder, treason and plot

As I write this the sky is alive with fireworks, which is fine, except they’re making it difficult to hear the Eddie Izzard DVD I’m trying to watch. It’s funny though, that we celebrate what was basically an attempted act of terrorism, albeit 400 years ago. In case you don’t know, Guy Fawkes and his co-conspirators were trying to blow up the then parliament in order to remove the protestant ruling class and stop the persecution of Catholics in England at the time. Unfortunately for them though somebody grassed them up, and the plan was thwarted at the 11th hour.

It seems strange, as after all, should somebody try to blow up parliament today they’d be locked up in an MI5 interrogation room for a few months before being sentenced to several hundred years of making sure they didn’t drop the soap. We certainly wouldn’t decide to name a day of the year after them and celebrate their antics.

Pointless advertising

I've realised my last entry was a bit diary-like, something I'd been hoping to avoid in all honesty, so for that I apologise. Normal service will now be resumed....

So anyway, I'm watching TV the other night and during one of the ad breaks there was a Phillips advert for one of their MRI (Magnetic Resonance Imaging) scanners. In case you don't know, MRI scanners are huge machines used in hospitals to scan people for leprechauns (or something along those lines). Anyway, the point is they're huge machines costing many thousands of pounds. So, what's the point of advertising them in the middle of Brainiac? How many people are honestly sitting at home, see an advert for one of these things and think "You know, I must rush out and buy a new MRI scanner"? What demographic are Phillips aiming for here? To me it just seems like a huge waste of time and money. Ok, so maybe it increases peoples awareness of the brand but to be totally honest, showing off a 60" plasma TV would probably work just as well...

Here's a thought - why don't Phillips donate the money they have spent on these totally pointless adverts to a hospital, or just give them a scanner?

The trip

The trip to France had to be cancelled due to my friend injuring himself and rendering himself incapable of riding the bike, so instead we decided to travel the UK and have a few drinks instead.

On day one we left London around lunch time and headed for Doncaster, and after dropping our stuff at the hotel and having a quick bite to eat we headed in to Doncaster. We started of in Yates’ but although it was cheap it was also empty, so after a quick pint we headed off in search of a livelier venue.

We stumbled across a wetherspoons and decided on a couple of pints in there, but, being a wetherspoons there was no atmosphere so we again headed off in search of fun. We wandered in to a club called Berlins, and discovered it was 99p a pint night, so we decided to stay there for the duration. Many many drinks later we apparently took a cab back to the hotel….

On day 2 we managed to crawl out of bed in time for breakfast, and after a quick trip to Asda to buy some essentials (crisps and coke) we headed off for our next destination, Blackpool.


After arriving in Blackpool and locating a suitably cheap B&B we headed out on the town for the second night of drinking (actually, if you take in to account the nights we were drinking at home it was about the fifth night drinking) and started off the night in the Walkabout, which was home to some very good looking ladies. After a few pints, a little letching and a lot of mullet spotting, we decided to head down the sea front, where we stumbled upon Manchesters, somewhere we’d been before on a stag do. Unfortunately the Manchester was worse than it sounds, with dodgy covers of bad songs and a lot of chavs. Queue a very quick pint and a quick exit.

Next stop was another Yates’, where we stayed until closing time due to the fact we couldn’t be bothered to walk any further. After that, it was a quick cab ride back to the B&B, where we sat drinking with the owner until 2.30 in the morning.

After another early rise for breakfast on day three, we again jumped in the car and headed towards Manchester (the place, not the pub). We were staying at a friends’ girlfriends flat, but we arrived in time for a quick mosey around the Trafford centre. After an altercation over seats between my friend and a group of ten year old girls, we headed out for a rather posh dinner in Wilmslow, and of course a few more drinks.

The following morning, after returning to the Trafford centre due to having return a DVD box set that had been supplied without DVDs, we headed home, and of course, once we’d dropped our stuff off we headed for the pub.

All in all, it was a heavy but fun week and certainly made a change from being at work. Roll on next time!

Road Trip (Part 2)

The trip is currently in jeopardy - there's a problem with my passport, and although steps are being taken to try and ensure I receive it before we leave, there's currently no guarantee, unless I decide to fork out a further £47, which is slightly rude when I've already spent £49 so far.

There's a dilemma - pay £47 for peace of mine or don't pay and then spend the whole week waiting to see if my passport arrives on time.....