Norwich Union scare tactics

I've just seen possibly the most threatening advert in history. IT was for Norwich Union insurance. Basically there was a family playing in the garden with Ross Kemp looking at them, then he turns to the camera and says something like "Family are the most important thing in your life".

So unless I'm much mistaken, Norwich Union are basically saying if you don't take out their insurance they're going to send Ross Kemp around to kill your family. Which is nice.

100th post

That's right kids, this is my 100th post! It hardly seems possible that this blog survived that long! It just proves people will read any old shit on the internet really doesn't it?

I'm going to quickly have a rant because I'm so very fed up with South Eastern Trains - they really are shite. I used to think "oh well, at least they're better than Connex" but this morning I decided they aren't (well, except for the fact that they're not French I suppose).

This morning I was trying to get in to work, it was cold and I really fancied a nice cup of tea (because I'm that rock 'n' roll) and the train was over half an hour late. Then they decided that because it was late they'd stop it before it finished it's advertised route.... Apparently some cock-smoker had jumped in front of a train in London, which is almost a valid excuse, although personally I don't see how it can take half an hour to hose down a train and sweep up a few bits of body.

Anyway, I'm going to stop ranting now, back to my happy place!!! So I'm looking at buying a new laptop, and I've decided to finally take the plunge into the unknown and buy a Mac. Expect a few posts about how that goes sometime in the not-too-distant future....

So, that's basically the 100th post over and done with.

How to destroy unwanted (or wanted) documents

I discovered a new way of destroying office documents today. Forget shredding, I actually made a certificate completely disappear! How? Simple really. Take one laminator, turn up to the hottest setting it has, and feed a document in to the front. Twenty seconds or so later, you have no document. Seriously, the certificate went in the front and nothing came out of the back, it just got smaller and smaller.

It was quite interesting to watch, although the fact it was my only copy of the certificate made it somewhat less amusing than it should have been. Mind you, the people who ran the course will probably laugh their arses off when they see my email requesting a new one on the basis I melted the original.

There is of course one drawback with this method of document destruction – you get through laminators in no time….

[EDIT]

Since I posted this I've managed to have the laminator dismantled and the document retrieved - the laminator is ok but the certificate is somewhat crinkly. I'd upload a photo but the upload's not working - I've probably broken the proxy server now. Ever had one of those days? I'm off down the pub....

Sky high

There was a thing on the news earlier about this glass-bottomed walkway thing the Americans have stuck on the edge of the Grand Canyon. I know the Grand Canyon is one of the seven natural wonders of the world but a glass-bottomed walkway 1,200 metres above nothing? Fuck that! I'm sure the view's amazing but you would not get me on that thing for love nor money.

Obviously I'm a big wuss but I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who couldn't give a shit about looking straight down at over a click of nothing, so I give it a day or two before someone starts charging tourists twenty bucks to walk the loop with their camcorder....

I'm back!

It’s been ages since I posted anything, and for that, I’m sorry. It’s been a busy old time recently, what with week long piss-ups (erm, I mean week long training courses), and gigs and all manner of other shit.

Talking of gigs, Metallica are coming up – tickets on sale tomorrow morning! Seeing as I missed out on seeing Metallica for free last time they were in London I’m going to be doing everything I can to get my grubby little mitts on tickets for this show, especially as it’s at Wembley Arena. Is it just me that thinks the new stadium looks like a giant bear trap? I certainly wouldn’t want to meet the bear that’s for sure…..

Anyway, normal service will be resumed very shortly.

Yes, I am a geek

My boss gave me a new task yesterday - spec out the kit I want for my new workstation, Obviously being a professional sort of chap I enquired about my budget, the reply being "don't worry too much, but obviously within reason". So, effectively as long as I don't start requesting liquid-nitrogen-cooled quad core processors and the like I've pretty much got free reign.

To put this in to context, that's like putting a kid in the Haribo factory and telling them "You can eat as much as you like, as long as you're not sick in the starmix".

I've checked the Alienware site, but I'm not sure I can get away with £3,500 PC's. Especially as I want two. So far, I've specified two desktop PCs with at least a Gig of RAM, decent processors, four flat screen monitors (two for each machine) and the necessary graphics cards, keyboard splitters etc.

I'm expecting my IT department to begin laughing any moment now......

Spoons

There's a bix box of spoons in the kitchen at work, and because it's on top of the microwave and I'm too lazy to move the box I tend to have to reach up and rummage through the box to get a spoon to stir my tea. It struck me today, it's like the worst tombola ever. You have won..... A SPOON! A cheap plastic spoon at that.

Jesus I need to get out more.....

Queues

I don't know what it is but I seem to have an uncanny knack for being able to choose exactly the wrong queue in the supermarket. It happened today, I chose the shortest queue and got stuck behind some stupid bint who wanted to check the prices on half her shopping, kept changing her mind about what she wanted and spent five minutes trying to work out whether all her packets of Twix' had the same number of bars in them. Seriously, what's all that about?

The thing is, it's not like this happens once every now and then, it's every time I'm in a shop - I either end up behind the bastard who decides to pay in pennies, or I get the till operator who's obviously been doing the job since about five minutes before I got there, or they need a price check on a grape.

The thing is the 'scan it yourself' lane is just as bad - I start scanning my items with a smug 'this is easy this, any mug could do it' look on my face and without fail I scan something, the screen displays a message saying I'm a fuckwit and a big red light on a pole starts flashing to make absolutely sure everyone within twenty feet of me can see I can't cope with scanning a few groceries. I then have to wait for a member of staff to come and bail me out, during which time I could have gone through a normal till.

I did consider doing my grocery shoping online, but that's a different story. Supermarkets? Arsemarkets more like. Meh!

Toe nails and God

I'm sure it's obvious from a quick scan through my previous posts that I often think about things that really aren't desrving of that much time, and, inevitably, I've been at it again. I've been considering why it is that finger nails grow so much more quickly than toe nails. I seem to be forever cutting my finger nails in order to ensure I don't end up with talons that would make an eagle owl jealous, but toe nails just seem to say 'Meh, we'll grow later, we're busy doing secret toe nail things'.

The thing is (and this is where you'll think I've totally lost the plot but bear with me), whilst pondering the differences in finger and toe nails, I realised that this discrepancy in growth rates can be used to finally prove the non-existence of God.

Seriously, think about it logically for a second. Scientists would argue the discrepancy is due to evolution, probably something to do with needing long claws on your hands to attack prey whilst needing shorter claws on your feet so you can run away when you (a small baboon for example) attack a larger predator (say, a hippopotamus). Your local vicar on the other hand will argue evolution doesn't exist and that we were all created by God. Now, I'm fairly certain that when creating man God wouldn't have thought 'I know, for shits and giggles I'm going to make finger nails grow four times as fast as toe nails', it's just not the sort of thing that would cross your mind is it?

Therefore, my hypothesis is that evolution must be the cause, and as evolution doesn't leave room for the whole creationist argument, God can't exist, Q.E.D.

Of course, this is just a theory, it may be God was in a jesting mood the day he decided on growth rates for nails, hair and teeth.

Paranoia

Where I work the gents are just along from reception, and recently I've started to experience a weird paranoia. I've started to wonder whether the receptionists notice how long people are in the loo, and whether they sit there wondering just why someone was in there for 12 minutes....

Do they notice when people come out looking slightly pale after a particularly troublesome forest, for instance? Receptionists know everyone and everything, and I wouldn't be suprised if our receptionists know the ins and, more specifically, the outs, of peoples erm, business.

I really do need to stop worrying about things like this, maybe it's finally time to go support the freeing of those whales that are trapped under the ice. Oh hang on, that was 1988.

Getting older

I'm feeling old today. Normally I feel old because lots of my friends are loads younger than me, but today it's because it's half eight in the evening and my hangover still hasn't cleared.

I seem to remember when I was younger hangovers could be cleared with a couple of tablets but these days even a combination of fruit smoothies, tablets, bacon sandwiches and lying very still doesn't seem to work...

The worst thing is that, being old, my brain stops functioning too (except the bit that generates paranoia) so even simple tasks like making dinner suddenly become complex feats way beyond my grasp. As for writing a blog post, that's all but impossible. Which is why this post sucks. I'm off to drink strawberry milkshake and lie very still.

Wishing Tree

I'll never tire of knocking Michael Jackson... :o)

TV really has taken a dive

Taken from today's TV listing:

19:30 - Grow your own Veg

Carol Klein explores root vegetables before embarking on a parsnip safari.

Now, unless 'explores toot vegetables' is a euphemism for something which shouldn't be on TV before the watershed, I can't even begin to comprehend why this show was ever commissioned. Is anyone that dull that they would watch this? Also, what the hell is a parsnip safari? I'm assuming this is where you see parsnips in their natural environment (so looking at parsnips in a field then) as opposed to in a zoo (the supermarket).

Surely anyone can find something better to do with half an hour of their lives?

Conspiracy?

According to the news, most of Manhattan currently smells of natural gas. The authorities reckon there's no gas leak, which means it must be something else.

Being America, there's only one thing it can be. The US government has released a special mind-control drug across the borough, and is going to turn the inhabitants of Manhattan in to killer automotons, who are going to be used to invade middle-eastern countries as part of the 'War to get control of oil' (a.k.a. the war on terror). You wait and see....

2007 - Chinese year of the cack

Well, a new year has begun, and with it comes a fresh lack of inspiration / writers block / apathy. I'm sure it'll pass though, it normally does... The whole thing may be due to MySpace slowly taking over my life - a friend of mine tempted me over to the dark side and, I hate to admit it, I'm now hooked. I can't quite place my finger on what it is but it's got something.... Rest assured though my blog will be remaining here for two very good reasons:

1. I can blog from the train / couch / brothel via my phone with Blogger
2. The blogging feature on MySpace is cack

Which reminds me, I've decided that the word 'cack' isn't used as much as it should be any more. If you're struggling for an easy new years resolution, why not endeavour to use 'cack' at least once a day?

Merry Chrimbles

The Christmas season is now well and truly upon us, the shops are packed with twats who won't get out of my damn way, I can't be bothered to do any work and there are little puddles of sick in high streets all over the country!

Don't expect many posts over the next few weeks as I'm pretty much drunk from now until the New Year...

Merry Pissedmass everyone!

Baker Street

It had to happen sooner or later, and finally the time has come - a post all about taking the difficult brown instead of the easy pink... "You aint seen nothing yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive was on the radio this morning and once again I was struck by the funny feeling it was about more than just meeting a lovely young lady. Having just taken a closer look at the lyrics I'm now convinced I'm right. Consider:

I met a devil woman
She took my heart away
She said, I've had it comin' to me
But I wanted it that way
I say that any love is good lovin'
So I took what I could get
mmh, mmh, mmh
She looked at me with her big brown eyes
And said,
You ain't seen nothin' yet
B-B-B-Baby,
you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet
Here's something that you're never gonna forget
B-B-B-Baby,
you just ain't seen n-n-n-nothin' yet
And you're thinkin' you ain't been around,
that's right

If you take the parts I've highlighted in bold and singularise the plural of eyes, I think I make a very strong case. Discuss at will.

Wii mongs

According to the Metro this morning some people are having trouble with the controller for the Nintendo Wii - apparently they're throwing it across the room when they try to serve in a tennis game. There's a simple solution to the problem - don't sell game consoles to mongs!

Stupid stupid people

In one of the free London rags tonight there's a story about an ambulance crew who followed their satnav to Manchester instead of London and didn't notice their mistake. For fucks sake, how do you possibly not realise something's wrong when a thirty minute journey suddenly takes eight hours?

Worse than that though, some dippy tart managed to get on a dual carriageway by following her satnav but on the wrong side of the road, which let's face it makes her fucking stupid. The fact she got two thirds of the way to London driving down the fast lane the wrong way? That's just plain scary. Seriously, people that stupid shouldn't be allowed to walk around town without a helper.

Hello? Hello? Yeah I'm on a plane! Nah, it's rubbish!

As everyone already knows, mobile (cell) phones are banned on pretty much every flight due to safety concerns (the crash of Crossair flight LX498 was attributed to mobile phone usage). The thing I've been wondering though, is what service provider are people that can get reception at 35,000 feet with?

Seriously, if Orange can't even get a signal to my local pub, how the hell can anyone get a signal six and a half miles up, in a metal container travelling at nearly 600MPH?

I'm planning on flying to the States in the new year so I may try an experiment. If you see a plane crash caused by a mobile phone on Sky News, chances are my experiment failed....